When Everything Crumbled Down
by invisible kid Jr
Summary: With every prospect of reaching his dream, Rin suddenly finds himself face to face with his dark past in Australia threatening to undo him. Trying to get into grips with his past he sets himself on the road to destruction.Will Makoto be able to save him or will he lose everything as well? MakotoxRin? MakotoxHaru. Rating will go up
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything or anyone except an OC named "John" and the villain of this story whom you will meet soon._

_Summary: With every prospect of reaching his dream of being an Olympic Gold Medalist, Rin suddenly finds himself face to face with his haunting dark past in Australia threatening to undo him. Trying to get into grips with his past, Rin retorts to sleeping around and secrecy which only sets him on the road to destroying his public image and his name being crossed out of the national team. Being in the national team as well, Mikoshiba seeks Haru's help and Haru in return asks Makoto to talk to Rin but can Makoto help Rin or will this meeting ruin his relationship with Haru?_

_Warnings: Dark themes, emotional turmoil, mentions of abuse and dubious consent.( nothing graphic for now)._

**Career and relationships**: Rin, Haruka and Captian Mikoshiba are in the national team. Makoto has pursued singing and is a local celebrity, he also coaches Iwatobi Swim team. Rin also does some modeling so is quite popular.

Haruka and Makoto are together. Mikoshiba and Gou are a couple so that makes Seijuurou ... Rin's brother-in-law! Rin has many partners whom he doesn't give a s*** about but there's a special person for him whom you'll meet later and in case you are wondering, Yes... Rin's been abused in Australia and that's why he's sleeping around. Some rape victims do so as a way to cope with the trauma instead of seeking help and sadly Rin does the same thing.

* * *

_I woke up to the smell of sex and the touch of a warm body entangled with mine, the usual numbness and emotional detachment that I've felt after sex for a time now and I thought I'd be greeting the face of yet another stranger. I opened my eyes and froze at the sight that greeted me. It must have been the shock of seeing that painfully familiar mop of sandy blond hair that had suddenly made my chest constricting so painfully and breathing impossible. Gods what had I done? Had I slept with Makoto, my childhood friend and Haru's boyfriend?_

…

When I saw him, the first thing that crossed my mind was to turn the corner and leave, spend the night in the warm embrace of some stranger and return in the

morning. I couldn't face him, not now, not when I was barely keeping myself together, not when I was so much hurting… but who was I kidding? It was Makoto. I bet I

would find him right there and then, the only difference would be that worried look on his face as he would fuss over the hung over me, trying to coax me into drinking

that foul tasting remedy of his as he gave me that damned worried look.

If there was one thing in the world that I didn't want to see, it was that look in his eyes. It made make my heart ache. Why did he have to care? He would ask so many

questions, he would care and I hated that so much so I almost turned away.

I thought of that Yankee boy from the football team, whatever his name was, John, Jack?Never mind, I could always call him _love_ and he would give me that goofy grin

of his and we would be good. He never asked too many questions, he would just give you a bear hug. He was such a good kisser and one thing would lead to another

when we were together. Soon we would be drinking, giggling and hitting the sheets. That was what I needed then; sex and that was my intention from the beginning.

I wanted to take a shower and call some body for a hard, rough sex. I didn't need to change my plans because of my stupid childhood friend and his caring attitude.

I couldn't deal with Makoto, especially not now that I was at my emotional end and barely hanging by a thread so I took my phone out and browsed through the list of

my contacts beginning with J. There he was, my John with that grin I loved so much. It was true that he liked it rough and I would be sore for the practice tomorrow but

in my current state of mind I needed a quick fix. I couldn't afford a break down and my quick fix had been rough sex for quite some time now plus he would always

make up for the fact in his own ways. I loved how he never left me to wake up alone in a cold bed and always offered to make breakfast while I took a shower or how

he would make a facetious comment or even a silly joke that would always fall flat but nevertheless made me smile for being so bad. I loved him for not pressing the

issue when I was simply not in a good mood and hence didn't want to talk which happened to be the case most of the times. I almost felt happy in his arms, sheltered,

even protected even though being with him sorta hurt as well because He reminded me so much of Makoto, of a big brother I never had. Whom I needed the most at

some point in my life and in whose stead I got a man who ruined it.

Oh no, why was I thinking of him… _stop, stop Matsuoka, your current line of thinking is not healthy… for god's sake stop… stop… Focus on here and now… you're no longer a _

_helpless little boy plus here's not a good place to have a panic attack… so fucking stop_… but how? How could I stop it, I mentally pleaded with myself or the voice of reason,

whatever that was. I could feel the tremors shaking my body…I could feel my mental walls closing in and trapping me there and then, in the memory whose stench I

could never get rid of, whose filth I could never wash away.

Suddenly John's face flashed back into my head. It was like he was trying to tell me something but I couldn't hear him say the words. I focused on his lips with tears in

my eyes desperate to find something to cling to because I couldn't fall into pieces. Not now that I was so close to my dream and with renewed resolve I could

hear him... loud and clear. He told me that he _loved me_ and suddenly I realized why I hadn't been to John's for a week and why I was trying so bad to forget him. I

couldn't let him love me. It was a simple fact I had made peace with quite some time now: I couldn't let anyone love me. I couldn't fall in love. I couldn't feel happy. That

was why I could breathe again and I almost laughed at the gravity of my pitiful existence.

I realized that I had slipped to the floor. Maybe that was why I was so cold. I only knew one thing and it was the fact that I had to recover from my near flashback so I

wrapped my arms around my knees and lowered my head onto my arms and tried not to think about anything, not even John or how much I wanted to be loved by him

and love him back but I could never let him in because then I had to tell him about all those other warm bodies I had slept with. I had to let him know about what

happened in Australia. No, I could never do that. Even if I could, I'm damned sure he would be despising me afterwards. Who would want to love such a dirty,

deformed creature like me? Breathe Rin, just breathe … I had to focus on something to escape my dark thoughts…_fuck who needed to feel real happiness?_ I could always

do what I was so good at: pretending. Pretending to be happy, pretending to be cool with whatever life threw at me so I focused on breathing.

I was so happy that Makoto hadn't decided to go back because there was no way in hell he could have walked passed me without noticing who I was. He had a

tendency to offer his hand to anyone hanging their heads low. But he could change his mind anytime so I tried to stand on my shaky legs, to feel normal, to set in place

my mask of not giving a shit. After a few minutes I was good to go so I just checked how I looked in the mirror to be on the safe side. You could never take chances

with Makoto. I played a loud rock song on my phone as I stuffed it into my pocket with haste and put the earphones in place and with my duffel bag over my shoulder, I

was ready to turn the corner and face Makoto.

* * *

_Author's Note: I don't usually write "fan fiction", I just read and enjoy them and reading them quite often recently made me realize that in the love triangle of Rin- Haru-Makoto, Rin usually ends up alone so I'm going to give him someone he deserves this time but he should really find his own way, so enjoy the angst for now. __**I'd appreciate it if you could give me some feedback, even a few words totally make my day. Especially if anyone volunteers to be my editor or beta reader!**_

_**I'm sorry for the short chapter ... am writing a longer chapter ... *cheers***_


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Hi everyone! Sorry for the long wait. RL got in the way and then I had to rewrite it because I wanted to change a lot of things. Thanks for being patient with me! Enjoy reading …leaving a line or two would always make me happy!**

**Special shout out to those who reviewed as well as for favorites and follows:**

**Thank you Mini(guest), Blackbell77 and ****Telidina. You're the best!**

* * *

_I crushed my lips to Makoto's and griped his crotch…He didn't move. He didn't even let out a muffled cry…He was frozen into place with shock and suddenly I was thrown back into time and it was no longer I who was feeling him up. It was my personal space being invaded, by face pushed to the ground, my thighs forced apart and my own body being violated._

* * *

When I saw Makoto my lips nearly cured into a smile. He was wet, head to toe. Though his hair had dried up a little bit his cloths clung to his frame and I almost smiled at the familiarity of the scene. It was an old ordeal for Makoto to generously give his umbrella to someone else. Makoto hadn't changed a bit since primary school and that's what I loved so much about him; He would never change from that caring trusting person he is to some ignoble fool who didn't care about anything or anyone. You could always count on Makoto, always trust him with your darkest secrets.

Suddenly the prospect of talking to Makoto didn't seem to be so bleak but then the old wound of "why a lot of things were not like I wanted them to be" opened up again, bleeding into my mind. _Why did the closest person to Makoto have to be Haru and not me? Why did he have to choose Haru? _And my dark mood was back in place as soon as I asked myself those damned questions. Yeah, I always wanted to make Makoto mine.

"I see you haven't changed much, Makoto." I said too harshly as I tilted my head in greeting and when I saw him lowering his eyes and fidgeting with his fingers, I realized too late that I didn't have the heart to see Makoto upset so I added with a smile "Who did you lose your umbrella to, this time? Oh let me guess, someone who needed it more than you, ne?"

He gave me a self-conscious smile and I gave him one of my rare smiles, one that I only saved for Makoto.

I gestured through the house. "So why don't you come in before I change my mind and let whoever told on me this time deal with the consequences of causing you to catch a cold?"

He tried to say something in protest but I beat him to it. "Don't try to deny it, just tell me who it was. Was it Sei or Haru?"

"It was no one, Rin." He whined. "I wanted to see you since you rarely show up at the school and the children had so many questions they wanted to ask you so I thought I could get their answers for them plus it was raining and your place was closer and always better than a hotel so…"

Makoto was absent mindedly scratching the back of his head and even if I could buy his lame excuses I could never mistake the gesture as anything but a sign he was lying through his teeth, like I said he hadn't changed at all.

"You know Makoto, you are a terrible liar so do me a favor and just don't insult me more than you have already done."

I put my hand up as a sigh for him to let me continue. "OK, you're not lying. How do you explain this, then? I start to misbehave and not long after, the famous singer, Tachibana Makoto appears at my doorstep, soaking wet, expecting me not to notice that he has unintentionally stayed out longer as he intended, because he was deciding how to handle my emotions based on the facts Haru had given him." I barked and as if to prove my unstable emotional state with rising anger by the second.

"Rin…"

I cut Makoto out before he could continue. "You know what? I'm no longer a little boy for anyone to order around… yes, it's true. I sleep around, I fuck every stranger and you can't fucking do anything about it because it's my own fucking body and I fucking enjoy it!"

I turned my back to Makoto in an attempt to control myself, clenching my hands into fists ready to hit something really hard but when Makoto didn't say anything, curiosity got the better of me. I wanted to see his shocked expression. Hadn't Haru told him about my sex life? I guess it was all about me and my anger management issues at the camp then, but when I turned to face Makoto, reality hit me hard in the face.

I expected Makoto to be shocked at my revelation, to cringe at my anger but it seemed he had changed after all. He was anything but shocked or uncomfortable. He was either prepared or was the only one capable of handling me.

He patiently looked at me and said "Look, Rin. I won't lie to you. I'm here not only for your sake but for the sake of all those kids at Iwatobi swim team who look up to you, your family and friends and for my own sake as well. When you became a part of the national team you stopped living just for yourself. Now you are the embodiment of those kids' dreams. So protecting your public image is as important as protecting their dreams and of course you are loved by your friends and family members so it's only natural for them to want to protect you against anyone and anything that intend to hurt you even if it is your own stupid self. And let me make it clear for you, no matter what you throw at me, no matter how hard you try to push me away I won't let you do it this time. I had promised your mum."

_Oh, no. So it was my caring mother._ For all I knew if it was up to her, she would have already had me locked up in some mental care facility…I was quite amused why she hadn't put me there already… but then she couldn't, could she? It would be bad for Gou and Sei. Of course she must have been concerned about Gou and Seijuurou getting married. The captain of the national team couldn't have a crazy brother-in-law, could he? But here I was. So she had asked Makoto to deal with her lunatic, debaucherous son not knowing she was sending him, just the perfect prey. Oh, it was so funny, so fucking funny I couldn't stop myself from laughing until I felt tears at the corner of my eyes and my sides hurt so much I had to stop.

My laughter turned to coughs as I tried to stop but after a few seconds I found my voice again. "So tell me Makoto, how are we going to proceed, now? Discuss having safe sex or try to analyze why I had taken multiple partners?"

It was amazing how I had managed shifting between such various moods: raging with anger to hysterical laughter to the clinical coldness I was now displaying. I had grown to a full-fledged psycho. Even I was thinking I should get help soon and I must have looked like a perfect lunatic to Makoto because he was staring at me wide eyed and a little shaken. You should really give Makoto credit for being able to read your thoughts from just watching your face. My head was a medley of different thoughts. I was so furious with my mother that even I wasn't sure how would I react to seen her had she been there with us. I felt so wounded so betrayed. How could she tell Makoto …? How much had she told him?

Finally Makoto let out the breath he's been taking for too long. "Why don't you start with why you never told us you were back? Why are you avoiding us even now? _What happened in Australia?"_

"_**So Rin, What happened in Australia?"**_

"_**What happened, Rin?"**_

"_**What happened? Did someone hurt you?"**_

It was always the same question: "_What happened_?"

Before I knew, I had jumped into motion. Makoto was now up against the wall with my fingers wrapped around his neck and my face inches from his, my voice not louder than a whisper in his ear.

"I don't know what she's told you but tell her that _nothing happened in Australia_ and that she has no right to poke her nose into my business. I have a problem, I deal with it _myself_ and this is how I deal with it."

I crushed my lips to Makoto's and griped his crotch…He didn't move. He didn't even let out a muffled cry…He was frozen into place with shock and suddenly I was thrown back into time and it was no longer _I_ who was feeling him up. It was my personal space being invaded, by face pushed to the ground, my thighs forced apart and my own body being violated.

I dragged myself away from Makoto on shaky legs and barely noticed him sliding to the floor. I couldn't look at him, not ever again, not after what I had done. I wiped at my mouth several times. My knees gave in and I fell to the ground not far away from Makoto. Shivering madly, watching tears fall to the ground as muffled sobs wreaked my body. _What had I done? Had I just tried to force myself on Makoto? I just wanted to die. Was I growing to be a monster like him?_

…

I felt a shaking hand finding its way to my shoulder and I froze as warm arms wrapped me in their embrace and Makoto's scent invaded my senses.

_How could you still care about me, Makoto?_

I turned around and buried my face into his chest and let everything out until I had no more strength and sagged against him like a ragdoll. No longer possessing any tears to shed, I stayed in his arms and he let me stay there all the while without a word. I thought to push him away. Hurt him with words like I've always done, so that he would keep his distance, at least for a while but I realized I couldn't bear the thought to be alone. Soon I realized he needed my embrace as much as I needed his. He needed the assurance that I wouldn't do anything like that again. He needed to be able to trust me again.

It was hard to find the courage to speak to Makoto after what I had done but somehow I managed to do so.

"I'm really sorry, Makoto." It came out as a barely audible whisper.

"I know, Rin." He breathed. "It's alright. You didn't mean anything"

I looked at him through the hair that obscured my vision, still hanging my head low. Still avoiding his eyes.

"You should leave, Makoto." He sighed and I added. "I could have …"

" Shhhhh…."

He took my face in his shaking hands and lifted it to look into my eyes but I turned my head to the side, avoiding eye contact.

"Look at me Rin, please…"

_Oh_ _no Makoto,_ d_on't you dare use that tone with me._

He kissed my forehead and whispered. "It's alright, Rin." Holding me tighter against his chest. "You never intended to hurt, me. You just…just lost control of your emotions. You don't need to tell me anything.…"

We spent some time in silence until he decided to go on.

"You know what the kids admire in you? Your courage to move mountains, your iron will to change everything and above all, your fighting spirit, but you can't always fight alone, Rin. You don't need to push me or Haru or anyone else away nor do you need to confide in us. Just let us be there for you. Let us be close to you, close enough for you to prevent your fall or at least alleviate the impact…it really hurts me when I see you're hurting here." He put his hand right over my heart and lifted mine to rest over his locking eyes with me.

"…but my heart aches more when it feels your turmoil, your frustration and your pretense that everything's alright when they're obviously not. It hurts when you lose a part of your own heart every time you seek comfort from a stranger. You think it's easy not to feel, pretend it doesn't hurt, to walk away but I can tell you it's not. You can hate me all you want, Rin but I don't ever want to see your expressionless face. The one I witnessed you making last night as you sneaked out in the middle of the night. I don't want to see you pretending not to be hurt."

_So I was right last night when I thought someone was watching me._

The previous night I had let myself be led to a love hotel and left in the middle of the night. I had shaken the feeling of being watched then because I was too busy being disgusted with myself after I had let that old geezer fuck me to the sheets.

It was so painful guessing how much my mum had told Makoto, how much he had seen last night or the previous nights. What was clear as daylight was the fact that he knew too much already and I didn't want to let him put two and two together and find out even more analyzing what was wrong with me. I knew that there was something very wrong with me but I didn't know how to face the fact or how to bear the fact that other people also knew about my problem. I needed to do something. I needed to distract him.

"Ok, fine." I said in a defeated tone. "I know we'll both regret it but I'll let you in and I don't know about you but I suggest you get out of those wet clothes before you catch a cold. I don't want to deal with your angry boyfriend afterwards."

And with that I stood up and hold out my hand to help him get up. It was still so awkward between us so I jumped at the first opportunity that presented itself to flee the room.

"Why don't you take a hot shower as I get you something to wear?"

He just nodded.

"… and take your time, Makoto. I need some time to myself." I solemnly added.

He didn't say anything so I guess he nodded again.

I didn't even realize how I got to my bedroom. I did everything on auto pilot from that moment on, dug into the drawers to get something for Makoto to wear and went straight to the sitting room where I turned on the TV, trying so hard to watch whatever was on but failed miserably as my mind relived what had happened not long ago … I could have done something terrible to Makoto. I could have turned into a beast… just like him. Taking what he wanted… whenever he wanted it…

_I had to forget… _I went to the kitchen and took a bottle, downing the burning liquid as I went back to the sofa and stared at the TV but there was no escaping the memories this time. I remembered too clearly…

_A body locked mine into place as cold invasive hands bared my body. I knew his every move too well for comfort, his every touch was curved into my body, delivered to intimidate, to dominate, to humiliate, his emotionless voiced always a whisper._

"_You know, Rin if you learn not to struggle maybe you could join your friends in practice… who knows… there might not be any bruises to hide or lie about…"_

"No…" I breathed as I sank into the sofa and took my head into my hands, curling like a fetus. I closed my eyes and prayed to any god up there to make it all go away.

"_Never mind, Rin … You're so pretty I can't help but to break you…"_

" Noooo…"

"Rin…..Rin are you alright?"

Makoto's voice somehow managed to cut through the fog that contaminated my mind and I found myself staring in those worried emeralds. He was kneeling in front of the sofa with wide eyes that reflected fear! Before I knew I was pressed against his chest and felt his fingers wiping away what must have been tears off my cheeks. We stayed with Makoto's arms around me and his chin resting on my head for a while until Makoto's heart beat calmed me and his presence assured me of no more flashbacks. It was great to feel nothing and no one except the one I was leaning on. Makoto felt so warm, he smelt better that all the perfumes of Arabia and his heart beat was the most pleasant melody I've ever heard. We fitted together so perfectly one would think we were destined to belong together…but it was wrong…this wasn't my place, it was Haruka's. _I couldn't ruin Makoto's happiness._

I heard Makoto say something but the words didn't register in my mind.

"… you've been drinking…" he repeated.

It was hard to say whether it was a question or a statement but the message was delivered nevertheless. There was guilt in his tone; he meant it as in "you've been drinking and not talking to me while I'm right here." My natural reaction to people wanting to console or comfort me was usually lashing out on them. I could never show anyone how hurt and vulnerable I was but it seemed Makoto was an exception. Did I want him near me that badly?

"How did you know?" I blurted out without thinking just for the sake of making conversation.

He sighed and used the patient tone he used on Ren and Ran when they we small.

"Even if I couldn't see the bottle I could smell it …"

"On my breath." I finished for him as I sprung to my feet and looked away in embarrassment.

"Umm, well I guess I smell… so why don't you make some tea while I take a shower. I'll make us dinner after that." I finally looked at him and saw that big stain on his shirt.

Makoto smiled his signature smile. "I would have offered to make dinner but I won't exchange your cooking with anything."

"Good to know that I can bribe you with food, better post it on your fansite."

"Rin!"

"I'll better get you something to wear, too. I need to take a picture to prove my cooking is so good I made the Tachibana Makoto eat like an orca." I laughed.

….

This time I looked for something actually Makoto's size but to no avail. He was taller and bulkier than I. Suddenly an idea sparked in my mind. _John had a few things at my place that Makoto could wear._

…

I don't know why it was taking me too long to calm down. At some point I had heard the bell and Makoto telling me that I had a guest so I had better hurry but with a storm raging in my head, it was so hard to calm down. I was angry with myself for letting Makoto near me, for letting him in, for letting him see how fragile I was. I've been thinking about how I had to tell him about my darkest moments but then I've also been thinking about how Makoto's lips felt against mine, how his mere presence took all the memories away. How was I supposed to tell him that I was in love with him even in middle school, how much watching him and Haru hurt me even now, how in pursuit of becoming better than Haru, to be worthy of Makoto I've gone to Australia only to be defeated by Haru despite trying so hard and how I trusted someone looking so much like him…who …who…I closed my eyes against thinking the word who _raped_ me … how dirty I was, how used I felt…I glanced at the mirror on the medicine cabinet and I hated that defeated look in the eyes that stared back at me. I wanted to punch something, to scream till my lungs burnt … to sink to oblivion…

I heard something shattering and I found myself on the floor hugging a bloodied hand with broken glass all around me and realized a moment too late that the mirror had shattered under my heavy strokes.

A moment later Makoto was shouting my name and with a warning that he was going to open the door, the door was thrown open and a terrified Makoto stared at the broken glass and the figure that was sitting in the middle of all that mess.

"Rin…" he breathed. "Thank goodness..."

_What was Makoto grateful for? Did he think I wanted to kill myself?_

I looked at him as tears welled in his eyes and I was thrown into his arms…and my suspicion was confirmed.

"I wasn't trying anything funny….I just slipped." I spoke to his shoulder.

"I know..."

"_Is everything alright? Do you need anything?" _said a voice from the sitting-room.

I knew that voice even buried in the depth of hell…

Everything was blurry. I don' know what possessed me in that moment. I pushed Makoto to the side grabbed a big shard of glass and darted out towards him shouting profanities. He moved backwards toward the wall terrified, and that seemed to calm me enough to be aware of what I was doing, like a wounded predator I stalked him until he was trapped against the wall. I pushed the shard against his temple hard enough to draw blood.

"Do you enjoy the reversed position, Tom? I could kill you without blinking an eye.'' I hissed.

I was taken aback when he lost the terrified look and leaned closer to whisper in my ear. "I'm happy to see you too, little Rin."

It was like my heart was pumping shards of ice in my system, I was suddenly paralyzed and not sure my legs would be supporting my weight much longer. I never thought he would still have that emotional control over me. He was taller than me by a few inches and despite the years of training and building up muscles, still bigger but his ultimate weapon against me was my emotional frailty and he knew just the perfect way to use it to his benefit.

"As much as I would enjoy seeing you try, I wouldn't do that if I were you… not when handsome is watching" he whispered only for me to hear and as he leaned back against the wall and added much louder for Makoto to hear. " I'm only here to talk, Rin. I'm sorry I didn't realize how he was abusing you. I'm really sorry I couldn't protect you. Do what you want. I don't mind dying by your hand."

"I deserve that." He said in a wounded tone.

I would have called the police from the beginning had I had the presence of mind to remember what a good actor he was; in blink of an eye he had managed to turn the table against me.

If he ever had a weakness, that was not being able to keep his hands to himself when it came to me and he lost the game as soon as he touched my member trapped against our bodies obscured from Makoto's line of vision maybe to emphasize his control over me or just for the kick of it.

"Don't you fucking touch me you rapist son of a bitch…" I howled and charged forward. I don't know whether it was by reflex or rage or just an attempt to stop him from proceeding further but with all the strength I could muster I just raised my hand to strike the final blow."

But it was never delivered.

Because Makoto was there to save him. Or me.

He threw himself at me tearing me away from him and holding me from behind while shouting for him to _just leave_.

The look Tom gave me when he stumbled to the floor was precious, he didn't believe I would try to kill him.

….

There was blood, both mine and Makoto's, too much of it.

I didn't know whether Makoto would believe me or even he wanted to know but I had to tell him. My chest felt so heavy.

"He …hhe …r..rraped …me, Makoto. " I smiled "Here…the …cat's… out …of… the… bag, Makoto. That's… what… happened …in Australia" I said in fragments, struggling for every breath as I let each word out and welcomed the blackness that surrounded me hoping this time I wouldn't wake up ever again.

.

.

_**Next on when it all crumbled down:**_

_**I didn't know what had happened. All I could hear was someone screaming and it wasn't until I felt Makoto's arms around me, hushing in my ear and promising me that everything will be alright that I realized that person was me. It took me much longer to stop thrashing about and when I did, he stiffened and I realized I had breathed "Don't touch me!"**_

"_**...Don't you dare fucking touch me, Makoto!" I whispered as I backed against the head board trying to put as much distance between us as I could.**_

"_**How could you? How could you do this to me? How could you sleep with me, knowing what I've been through?" I screamed as I reached between my thighs and hold my hand up for Makoto to see the evidence. The gravity of what we must have done the previous night hitting me hard.**_


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Hi everyone, it's me! remember? The one who's writing WECD? Yeah, I know...took me long enough. I hope you haven't forgotten all about WECD!**

**My apologies minna! Won't happen again.**

**_Now on with special thanks and shout outs:_**

**_Special shout outs to: Guest ( Glad you're enjoying it...I'll definitely continue and thanks so much for your compliment, you'll see more of comforting Makoto. Mini ( Here's moroooe, dear. Hope you'd be still wanting more updates after reading this one. Thanks for your support!), Lindy Linn (Thank you so much for reviewing... oh, the drama is just starting. Wait till you see!) Tinni (Oh, Hi Tinni! Great to have you here! Here's chapter 3. I just hope it's not too late ^_^sorry I haven't reviewd the last chapter of Losing MAkoto. It was so wonderful but sad knowing what would happen to the boys without our Makoto. BTW update soon, plz!) Oh, in case you're wondering, Tinni is my favourite author so go read Losing Makoto. It's fabulous!I can't wait for its new chapter!_**

**And a special thank you to: vanillaszthevampire, Telidina, LindyLinn, KibaAbuHyuAtake, Blackbell77 for their favorites and follows!**

**Hope I haven't left anyone out. If I have plz forgive me since it's 3 a.m. here!**

**Watch out for more ANs at the end! ^_^ have fun and forgive the tippos! Oh and Rin might look a little out of it and he may not make sense, just know that he's basically hearing voices in his head. So the italic parts in quotation marks, is that "little voice" speaking and the italics are his thoughts!**

* * *

My eyelids felt so heavy, my vision was blurry and a headache was just the perfect addition to the ache I felt all over my body. Even in the dim light of the room it was hard to keep my eyes open. I felt really groggy and moving my heavy limbs felt like a monstrous task. After a few minutes of adjusting to all the aching in my body I lifted my head only to find myself propped up against the pillows in my own bedroom. I held up a bandaged hand to inspect and I let myself fall back to the pillows when I was quite sure it wasn't too serious to hinder my swimming. It seems like even as a deranged man hoping to deliver the fatal blow to my tormentor I had the presence of mind not to hurt myself. It was a painful fact to know that I had failed to leave but a few scratches, I had even proven to be unable to destroy myself instead, but then I had always lacked the courage to harm myself or was it dreading to fall into the darkness? Whatever the reason, I could never stop myself from swimming. It was so ironic how water was both a hindrance, keeping me away from reaching my dreams and my only shelter when I needed a respite from all the madness around me. I sometimes wondered whether there was a deity whom I somehow had managed to infuriate in my previous life so now it enjoyed seeing me struggle and just stopped short of ending my suffering. At least I enjoyed harboring the thought.

I buried my face deep into the pillows as I felt the all familiar dampness on my cheeks. I really didn't know why did my chest, so insistently continue its absurd rise and fall when it was so excruciating to do so and I didn't even know why I was in so much agony?

_Why was I still alive? Why wasn't I brave enough to end it all? Was it because of the darkness that I so dreaded? Was it because I subconsciously was afraid to die? Or was it that even darkness rejected me or it would have claimed me when I tried years ago._

I felt an urgent need to have some company so I welcomed the distance sound that I heard through the ringing in my ears. It was Makoto …speaking to someone in the background and I couldn't help but listen to his hoarse tired voice. He even looked worn out when I sought to see his always smiling face, which thanks to me, wasn't smiling, anymore.

"I…I don't know what else to do, Haru! I don't even know whether he wants to see me..." he sighed.

"Rin's reaction was so extreme…I had never seen anyone reacting to the mere sight of another person like that. I can't even wrap my mind around what…what must have happened to Rin." He closed his eyes against his next words and I wondered why Makoto was looking so miserable.

"O'Neill is a big name in Australia. It's not impossible for him to walk away easily even if he had been …abusing Rin. He's a walking legend. I mean, no one would believe Rin, even if he had…proof. Even I just jumped at the opportunity of just being in his proximity." There were tears in Makoto's eyes. _Was he crying because of me?_

"But then there's another possibility… I don't want to believe him but what he said about Rin, sounded legit… he told me about how another student had abused Rin and how no one noticed because Rin never sought help and that he had only found about it now because of that person's confession and as Rin's former coach and one of the few people who knew about it, he felt he had to be there for Rin…to support him emotionally…to offer an ear…it's just…you know how Rin is… he just builds walls all around himself… I wish you were here with me, Haru. You always make everything better…you always make me stay strong." Another sigh followed and he kept silent as he listened to Haru.

"Alright, I'll try…. I love you, Haru…"

He must have continued but I refused to hear what he was telling Haru. My head started it's pounding with renewed fervor and I welcomed the sudden tightness in my chest, even rejoiced the pain that followed every rugged intake…_how could you Makoto. How could you also betray me? How could you believe that monster over me? Or even worse how could you betray my trust by telling Haru? No one is supposed to know!_

"_Haru…it's all because of Haru. He's perfect. He makes everything better when you, Rin make everything worse. No wonder he chose Haru over you. So why doesn't he just leave you alone? Maybe he wants to have a taste? Or maybe he just wishes to be dragged down with you? You know what will happen Rin if …he lowers himself down to lie down with a wretch like you. This could make his world crumble. You will take his precious Haru away from him."_

"…shut up… just shut the fuck up…shut up…shut up…shut up"I chanted, speaking to no one in particular, just that annoying voice in my head.

No I couldn't do that. No matter how fucked up I was, I could never harm their relationship. All I needed to do was to put as much distance between us as I could.

"_Close the door, Rin._"Said a gentle voice in my head. Had I heard it somewhere before? It really didn't matter. All that mattered was that I liked that voice better. I just needed to close the door and shut everything off.

So I crept to the door, clutching at my sides and moving gingerly. I wondered where all the pain came from.

After God knows how long, I reached my bed and just slumped on the floor, propping myself against the bed and trying to catch my breath before I had to make the attempt to stand and lie in the bed.

It was dark and quiet except for the persisting buzzing sound of my mobile phone on the nightstand which I diligently ignored until it finally rested.

I was almost accustomed to the darkness, embracing the aches I felt all over my body until Makoto decided to cut through my euphoric melancholy and God knows I wasn't ready to welcome the heartache that was now part of hearing him speak.

He begged me, pleaded with me to open the door, to say something at least but only received silence, not because I was furious with him but for the sole reason that I didn't trust my voice around him. I couldn't find a way to utter a single word around the lump in my throat and even if I could it would have been so broken and weak I never wanted him to hear. It wasn't the justified roar of wrath he deserved to hear so I only let him hear my silent tears.

He finally slumped against the wall without another plea and it was like I could hear his anguish and guilt but I did nothing to alleviate his dark feelings. I just waited there, numb with agony and grief and no longer knowing how I felt about Makoto until he muttered something about eating and that no matter how much I hated him, I needed to eat.

Ha came back after a while and a few times after that, always pleading that I opened the door, that I at least ate something. He even offered to leave if I so wished it and despite hearing the tears in his voice I ignored him all the while, not because I enjoyed feeling his suffering, only because his every guilt laden whisper added to my own personal anguish. I was so tired, of all the pain and suffering and the fact that all I could do was to bring only pain and despair for anyone who dared to get close to me. So I just closed my eyes…

I think I managed to sleep a few minutes before my phone started its buzzing again.

I reached out and picked it up to just throw it out of the window, not caring who it might be. I really hadn't the strength to bear the burden of hurting yet another person but even with that resolve I did nothing but stare at the caller ID, that goofy smile I so adored was my only excuse for doing so. I let desperate tears fall down and clutched the device to my chest as if it could heal the hole I had dug there. Even after it gave up its buzzing I still hold onto my phone wanting to feel close to the person who had just called. 374 missed calls…that was how far away I had pushed him and he still cared. Tears blurred my vision as I stared at my phone and I just called him back before thinking what would happen when I hear his voice...I couldn't breathe: this was what happened. He didn't yell nor did he call me names, he just told me how happy he was now that I had called him and I could hear the relief in him voice, he didn't make me explain why I had avoided him for two long weeks. I didn't need to speak a single word and somehow he knew it was the only thing I needed then: to hear his voice without having to say something in return. He promised me that he would be here with me soon and then we would fight whatever was wrong together. He just needed me to be strong and …to breathe… because he was beginning to worry about me despite me being a swimmer who knew how to hold his breath.

And I let out a muffled "OK" before he squeaked happily on the other side, telling me how delighted he was to hear my voice because he almost thought I had fallen sleep over the phone. A few bad jokes away, he told me that he loved me and finally hung up without any comments on the hoarse broken voice I talked in a few times I had to simply assure him I was still listening.

_How could he be so trusting, so protective and loving toward the least worthy person in the whole universe? How could he still love me? Despite my antics or the fact that I didn't love him in return?_

I wanted to be able to love him with all that I had but I could never make him happy, not with my dark secrets. I even regretted letting him touch me…I was so dirty and he was so pure and yet he loved me with all his heart. That pure heart I would only brake if I told him about the past. I wondered if he would throw me a glance if he knew anything about my past. The past I so dreaded and yet desperately tried to hide from everyone but I had to do it, I had to tell him. I could always live with the memory of the life I could never have and despite the pain it brought I tried to remember the first time he told me he loved me…The first time we made love.

"I love you! I love you more than anything, Rinrin." He told me after he was faced with the depression I sometimes felt after sex, kissing my frowning lips and coaxing me to look at him.

"I wouldn't if I were you!" I finally said.

"Rin! You're so hideous! How can you say that about my lovely boyfriend?" He tried to look offended but failed miserably and smiled as he planted another kiss on my lips.

"You don't know anything about me, John." I sighed.

"Yes, I do …You're this incredibly stubborn and utterly sexy guy I'm in love with! Whom I'm going to cling to until he confesses his undying love to me and then we're going to live happily ever after!" He rambled as he fought his way to my arms.

"My delusional hopelessly romantic… what? Why are you laughing?" I gave up the fight as I saw how happy he looked.

"You used "my" in a sentence referring to me!" he settled in my arms and sprang a second later, looking with so much love at me as he added" Does that me you're in love with me, Rin?"

"I'm not even worth your…"

"Sheesh" He kissed all the words away and broke away only for a deep breath.

"Why don't you let me decide?"

"Just don't tell me I didn't warn you!" I managed between the second rounds of kisses.

"Now you're just being silly …so how about changing the topic? Oh I just know the perfect thing… 'How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.'"

"Nuh not that stupid sonnet again!" I protested.

"I love thee… to the depth… and breadth and… height…" He delivered every part kissing my chest and going lower, giving every sensitive part of my body special attention and just like that he sang that stupid sonnet while he showered me with his love, carving every word onto my flesh and hitting the spot that made me see stars with perfect precision until I lost all control over my mind and body and surrounded myself to his will.

It was still nice to remember but so depressing to be reminded that I couldn't love him back so the sooner I ended it the better.

I endured every wound each lovely memory inflicted bravely until it was just too much as they threatened to unhinge me and I knew it was only alcohol that would smooth the sharpness of the pain.

* * *

I finally set foot outside of my bedroom to the darkness and the strange eerie silence that welcomed me and I nearly thought Makoto had really carried out his offer and had left me alone until I saw the outlines of a figure sprawled on the sofa with a bottle that was no longer half empty. I somehow couldn't imagine Makoto and sake in the same picture. I always believed he didn't and couldn't drink. So as I opened another bottle and generously poured myself a glass, I couldn't help but watch him over the counter and wondered what kind of drunk he would be?

I had never seen him tipsy, let alone drunk and I wondered whether I'd ever seen him drinking at all. Alcohol wasn't something I'd indulge in often, not because drinking was a much frowned upon habit and a dangerous one especially when you were a member of the national swimming team but because it brought out too many dark memories however, I suspected Makoto just wouldn't drink for wholly different reasons. On the rare occasions that I actually drank I ended up a depressed drunk who was bedded easily, of course that is without the exclusion of three of those rare occasions that I was with John, on which I was a funny drunk according to him.

Makoto would definitely be cute and clumsy. Cute because even a little spider could scare the hell out of Makoto and It would be really funny to watch him find his way in the darkness of my apartment with the light and shadow chasing off each other in a breathtaking dance, adding a grotesque effect to all and every object. Being clumsy couldn't also be out of the picture when you tried to imagine a body of Makoto's size staggering about in a futile attempt to find his way in the dark.

Even sprawled on the sofa he looked like a big teddy bear and I couldn't help but fall into a happy stupor imagining what it would feel like to be locked in his embrace while having Makoto act as a pillow, to be loved by him and to have him as a boyfriend. Your pillar of strength.

He could have been my rock. If only there was no Haruka to ruin everything for me. I wondered how different my life would have been had I not fled to Australia. Could I bore to see the love of my life devoting himself to Haru, giving himself, his future and his talent up to be just around that oblivious fool and being content to just have Haru as a friend? Makoto wouldn't care whether his feelings would ever be returned and I had to be there to see everything and just keep it all bottled up. Could I be a silent witness to Makoto's unrequited love for Haru while being the one in love with Makoto? I could have offered a shoulder to cry on, at the very least, I would hide my feeling stoically and watch Makoto be happy but I ran from it, I ran to Australia, fooling myself with dreams that were never fulfilled.

Makoto started to steer and I tried to busy myself with my glass as if it was the most interesting object on the planet only to find its contents gone.I dragged my heavy limbs to the kitchen and reached for the top cabinet to get myself another drink, subconsciously robbing at my eyes all the while.

_Was I crying? but why?_

The hands that covered mine as they wiped away my tears felt so familiar. The arms that hold me in their embrace were so warm, and the mouth that started kissing my neck felt so good. They felt like Makoto. "_Now you're delusional other than being fucked up and depressed, yet another good quality to add to the list, Rin."_

I tried to ignore that voice in my head. _Was I dreaming? Yeah, I must have been dreaming. I was dreaming of…of Makoto._ But the body that was locking me in place seemed determined to prove otherwise. The whispers, the promises, the assuring touches, they all felt so real. So I let myself fall into that delusion-filled reality.

The kisses were sloppy and playful, like he was just trying to distract me or make me laugh and to my amusement he actually sang "pain pain, go away" as he kissed the back of my neck and every other unclothed part of my throat he could find. I could feel the telltale signs of being happy...that comforting warmness that engulfed you, that funny feeling of lightheartedness and overall beginning of a smile started to form on my lips and as if on cue Makoto started to downright tickle me and it seemed I couldn't contain my laughter anymore... _was it I who was laughing? It was a beautiful sound. Once I hadn't heard in a while._

_Makoto must have been too drunk!_

We somehow found our way towards the bedroom and ended up a tangled mess of arms and legs, still giggling like crazy.

"…. Mmm …made you laaaugh."

I finally turned in the embraced and took in the details of the face that was inches away from me. I tried to memorize every detail; every wrinkle, each freckle…and I found myself drowned in, captivated by those emeralds and kissing those pliable lips as they kissed me back.

_Makoto was one hell of a horny drunk._

We kissed until we felt the burning in our lungs from lack of oxygen and it was only then that we stopped.

"love you, Makoto" I mumbled, not really caring what the words meant, or how they would later weigh on my conscious. I didn't think they would count as a confession given how wasted Makoto was. _He wouldn't remember it._

"Me, too."

And the kissing started, deep and passionate, almost bruising. A mouth traveled down my torso before abusing a spot on my throat and I felt hands finding their way into my pants.

"N….nn" I tried to let out.

But it fell on deaf ears.

I broke up the kiss with some effort just short of hurting Makoto.

But I saw no sign of my gentle friend in those lust-laden eyes. Soon I was pulled down for another bout of bruising kisses.

_No, I didn't want us to have sex while he couldn't even recognize me. If it ever happened I wanted him to make love to me, like how he would to Haru. I wanted him to actually see me. I wanted our lovemaking to mean something but would it ever happen? What was I to Makoto, anyway? Someone to fuck because he was horny…did he even mean it when he said he loved?...there was no way he could love me cause he was in love with Haru! So he wasn't much different from all those others guys I had slept with...always taking something from me ... some trying to find out whether they were actually gay... some experimenting safer ways of getting laid without having to worry about a child...some just trying casual sex for kicks...some just being horny and in search of free sex with no hard feelings afterwards... No it was Makoto, not just anyone. He was just drunk and so was I, that was why we were doing it and… he would stop. He'd stop if I wanted him to._

" Sssstop" I finally managed between kisses.

" said…stoop" I said angrily, pushing him away almost too hard, which I almost regretted as I saw that kicked puppy look on his face.

" but...we r only kissin',ya liked it"

I crashed down on the other side of the bed with my back to Makoto." Jus, keep'em to yousself, yrr handz or I kick ya out."

"_So how does it feel to find out he's no different, Rin? Oh, you must be so devastated, you little whore. No one would say no to even a seemingly willing partner. Weren't they all actually nice to you when you were spreading your legs for them?"_

I closed my eyes trying to ignore the voice in my head, silently pleading to Makoto to just keep on the other side of the bed and at the same time praying for him to come closer and hold me like he would always when someone is hurt, or alone or just feeling down. _I wanted my Makoto back._

And I somehow managed to fall sleep as an arm curled around me in a non-threatening manner, shutting up that sadistic voice in my head with the simple act.

* * *

_I woke up to the smell of sex and the touch of a warm body entangled with mine, accompanying the usual numbness and emotional detachment that I've felt after sex for a long time now, and I thought I'd be greeting the face of yet another stranger. What a glorious sight to wake up to…naked with someone I didn't even know._

_With a heavy heart and an abused body I opened my eyes into a slit and tried to ignore the pounding headache. _

_First things first: untangle the mess__. I tugged at the sheets__. I needed something to cover myself. My house, my rules: strangers don't get to see me naked and rejoice in the marks they have left. _

_I never got to finish what I had intended as I was paralyzed mid-action._

_It must have been the shock of seeing that painfully familiar mop of sandy blond hair that had suddenly made my chest constrict so painfully and breathing impossible or was it seeing those green eyes and hearing __his__ name?_

_"Haru? What's wrong Haru-chan? are u cold? Aahh! my head …"_

_He never got to finish his sentence as the wave of nausea hit him hard. He had only a few seconds to recognize me and in those very short seconds I saw a myriad of emotions displayed on his face: heartbreak, guilt, pity, shock and a few others I missed because I was so busy remembering the few things he said before he disappeared into the bathroom._

_"Haru, he had called his name not yours. It's obvious what must have happened. Why do you think he came here and not Haru's place? He had a spare key to Haru's apartment. He used you, Rin. He fucked you while imagining it was Haru. Oh my…wasn't he a little rough?"_

_" Shut up…"_

_I stared at my naked body, a bleeding bandaged hand, bruises and bite marks...and what looked like a mixture of blood and semen on my thighs. I couldn't help but close my eyes at even picturing what must have happened._

_Gods what had I done? Had I slept with Makoto? _

_My head started pounding viciously as I tried to remember as fragmented pictures came to me… I had drunken sex before but there was never so many gaps in my memory…_

_Suddenly pictures flashed before my eyes and I couldn't stop remembering…_

_We were kissing… and he touched me down there…asked him to stop but he never did…pain…I felt pain all over my body ...I was flipped around …and felt the burning pain of being penetrated …I was lucky I couldn't see the face that would be haunting me in my dreams..._

_"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"_

_He thrust deeper and rougher each time…my own cries ringing into ears until I couldn't hear anything …tears…tears and agony… and fear…I was so scared…_

_"noooooooooooooooooooooooooo"_

_ "stoooooooooooooooooooppp"_

I didn't know what had happened. All I could hear was someone screaming and it wasn't until I felt Makoto's arms around me, hushing in my ears and promising me that everything will be alright that I realized that person was me. It took me much longer to stop thrashing about and when I did, he stiffened and I realized I had breathed "Don't touch me!"

"...Don't you dare fucking touch me, Makoto!" I whispered as I backed against the head board trying to put as much distance between us as I could.

"How could you? How could you do this to me? How could you sleep with me, knowing what I've been through?" I screamed as I reached between my thighs and hold my hand up for Makoto to see the evidence. The gravity of what we must have done the previous night hitting me hard.

"How could you do this to me, thinking of Haru." I wanted to shout but it only came out a whisper.

"So tell me did you enjoy it Makoto? Was I tight enough? Oh, I'm sure you did enjoy it from the marks you left on me but did you even ask me if I wanted it?"

"RRin….I …you" Makoto tried in a broken voice.

"Get out!…get … the …fuck…out…you..son of a bitch"

I never waited for a reaction nor an answer. All that ever mattered to me was washing all that dirt and getting rid of that stench...I locked myself in the bathroom thanking the gods for the lack of a mirror...and robbed my skin clean until I felt the burning on my skin and could see the redness but I didn't feel clean... I could feel his touches all over me, could hear his mocking laughter in my ears, could smell his fucking stench… I felt dizzy, I tried to remember how it was to finally be with Makoto, it didn't matter how rough he fucked me or that he actually used me without caring about my feelings or bothering to even ask whether I wanted it? Noooo, Makoto would have asked, he would have been gentle...but why were there so many bruises on my body?...why couldn't I remember?... I didn't get it...didn't he say he loved me?...did he _used_ me because Haru was away? was I Haru's replacement, then?...I couldn't understand, couldn't remember anything ...I was so tired… I just wanted to sleep, just for a few minutes…maybe then I could wake up from this nightmare…

The cold water was doing wonders on my abused skin, numbing all the pain...nothing mattered anymore…not even the burning in my lungs...I just wanted to let it all slip away.

* * *

**Next time on: When Everything Crumbled Down**

**Oh God...God he's no breathing****...I have to do something, I managed to carry Haru out despite being afraid of the ocean so why...why am I so terrified now...Come on ... Rin... Breathe...**

* * *

**Thanks for reading this, everyone! Just a few notes on my research on rape victims: Some of them actually are calm, cool and collected after the incident which is very dangerous because they try to deny or hide what had happened to them wh****ich is only going to hit them ten folds later**, Rin's one of this type but now he's remembering and actually experiencing everything all over again because of seeing his rapist. The aches he feels all over his body thus is more psychological rather than physical.

**Oh, and I want to write a smexy bed scene(soon) so tell me whether you want it to be JohnRin or MakoRin!**

**and with that i'm off to bed!**


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